emma vandevelde

10 Things You Don’t Have To Do Before You Die 

Posted on by Emma Unedited

So I’m laying in my bed and it’s almost 1:00 am. If you know me at all, you are probably wondering why in the world your grandmother of a friend is still awake at this hour that greatly surpasses her usual sleepy time.

Well let me tell you.

I am awake because I am annoyed.

Why are you annoyed? You may wonder…

Well here’s why. I am sick of logging onto Facebook–excited to catch up on peoples’ lives and see cute baby pictures and watch videos of recipes that I know are much more complicated than the videos portray–and seeing blog articles that follow this type of formula…

15 (or any number) of (verbs) you HAVE TO DO BEFORE YOU (insert common life events)

I mean seriously, people.

Do I really HAVE TO?

No.

I don’t.

In fact, I really do believe that my life will turn out a-okay if I decide not to climb a bunch of mountains or eat a cronut.

So being the rebel that I am, I made a list of 10 things that you DON’T need to do before you die as a response to a recent blog that I read entitled, “Things You Need To Do Before You Die” published by PopSugar.com.

Get ready, folks. I am officially rebuttal-ing.

I have selected 10 of my favorites from the list and have written out my thoughts regarding each item. So without further ado…

10 things you DON’T need to do before you die (even though PopSugar.com said you do)

1.) Dance in the rain– LAAAMMMEEE. I’ve done this. It’s not romantic. Despite what “The Notebook” makes you think, you will not end up with true love and a nice make out sesh. You will end up with rachet hair and a serious need for some chaffing cream.

2.) Jump into a pool of jello- Just picture yourself rolling around in a pool of jello. Awk. 

3.) Make your mark on this world– Ah yes, of course. I will try and fit that in right between my trip to the store for jello and my hair appointment to fix my new nasty hair. 

4.) Bathe in Milk– So while Tim McGraw is “sky diving, rocky mountain climbing, and riding a bull for 3 seconds” at least I will be able to think to myself, well I didn’t do any of that, but I got to take a milk bath that one time. 

5.) Break a Guiness world record– Ah yes, of course. And while I am at it I will go ahead and win 17 olympic gold medals and become the President of the United States.

6.) Put vanilla pudding in a mayo jar and eat in public– Yes. This was on the list. A thing to do before you reach your demise.

7.) Meet grumpy cat– He’s a cat with a slightly negative expression. That is all. You don’t need to meet him. 

8.) Cook a 10 course meal– Because that’s necessary…

9.) Forgive people and let go of grudges– Ugh. Ok, fine.

10.) Cage dive with great white sharks-Probably smart to make that the last thing on your list chronologically if you catch my drift. 

Whoop, there it is people. Please know that my intention is not to bash PopSugar.com or to discredit the writer of that blog. It is only to encourage you that you can live your life without an 18 page bucket list full of crap.

xoxo,

Emma

Sources:

http://www.popsugar.com/smart-living/Things-Do-Before-You-Die-31147739#photo-33499580

 

An Open Letter to the Lady who Farted in Pilates Today

Posted on by Emma Unedited

Dear Lady who Farted in Pilates Today,

Don’t worry–I don’t know who you are. I have been a member of the YMCA for a whopping 72 hours so you can find rest in the fact that your name will remain unknown/undisclosed. And I can honestly say that I remember the distinct sound of your flatulence more than any easily identifiable facial features (good/bad thing?). Because your identity remains in the dark, I will unfortunately have to refer to you as pila-toots. Sorry, ma’am. I just wanted to write this letter for you and for everyone else who has suffered from a public booty cough. I feel that this issue needs to be addressed and it is important for you to hear what I am about to say. Pila-toots–

1.) Your Fart Does Not Define You- So other than the fact that this blog is written about you, a nameless/faceless farting Jane Doe, I know that THERE IS MORE TO YOU THAN YOUR CHEEK SQUEAK. You had the courage to scoot your gassy little butt into a YMCA pilates class–crawling with lululemon wearing, skinny soccer moms–and you made yourself known by serving them a nice fresh air biscuit. Do not let this make you feel insecure. Feel proud. Because despite what society tells you, farts come out of skinny butts too.

2.) You’re an Inspiration– When you let it rip today, we were in the middle of an ab exercise. My legs were shaking. I was losing hope. I didn’t know how I would finish the set. When you farted, however, I smiled. You broke wind and it shattered my insecurities. You cut the cheese and I straightened my knees. Your butt exercised its right to free speech and my butt found its way back to neutral center. And for that, I thank you.

3.) Your Fart Should be Celebrated- Guess what? Farting is healthy and normal. The average person farts over 14 times a day, and if we make the grave mistake of holding in our farts, we LITERALLY GET FART BREATH. I’m serious. That’s a thing. I read it on linkdin (eh?). ALSO, farts are made up of approximately 25% hydrogen. You know what else is made of hydrogen? STARS. So there. Your fart is basically a star. And so are you, Pila-toots. You are a star.

So thank you, Pila-toots, for reminding me that not everyone who takes pilates is a robot. I know you may never see this letter, but somehow I have confidence that my gratitude is sort of like your fart–even though you can’t see it, you know it’s there.

xoxo,

Emma