Well, well well. Look who is back! Good news, friends. If you are reading this, it means that you are really making a difference in my blog following. Yep, that’s right. Upon finishing this second entry, you will have officially made up about 20% of my views! Wow. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are a loyal friend.
So hopefully you know that in my last blog I defended myself for giving birth to (interesting diction=better writing) yet another WordPress blog. I explained why I entitled the site “Upon Further Investigation” and apologized for any cliches’ (punctuation?) that my blog may commit simply by existing. In this blog, however, I am going to take you on a journey back to my first week of freshman year. Ah, yes. Good old college life. You see, the subtitle of my blog is “a day in the life of a sober college student” so my mom said that I should write about being on the outskirts of the so-called “partying scene.” And since my mom has made up around 75% of my views so far, I figured I should respect her wishes. So here it goes. In this blog I will impart upon you some (unfortunate) truths that I learned about college all within the first weekend.
1.) Boys are icky-Some of you older and wiser women may have known this already. And to be honest, I had a feeling this was true, but my first weekend at college confirmed my suspicions within about a 20 minute time span. I was at a frat party. I was hanging out with my brand new suitemates who I had known for about an hour, so things were already sort of awk.. Plus I had no idea what to wear. And I missed my mommy. So I just stood there looking (and feeling) like this photo of Wallace and Gromit. (yes, people have told me I look like this when I start to feel awkward.) 
Anyways, so I’m just doing my thing when this chick with legs for centuries walks by in a black, strapless romper and tan wedges. As she passed, the guy next to me optically stalked her and so flippantly stated, “Wow, she’s really asking for it tonight.” Classy, right?
So…I did the whole “silly girly giggle” thing and (out of nervousness that he could smell fear over his own beer breath) I looked down at my shoes. My tan wedges. Accompanied by my black. strapless. romper.
Lovely.
When the guy noticed that I was wearing the same thing he made a quick and dashing recovery with, “well the same clothes don’t look the same on everyone.” I think it was the first time I actually thought to myself, Good thing my legs are as short as this guy’s list of right swipes.
Luckily, my outfit TRULY stopped resembling leg girl’s about 20 minutes later when that same guy spilled an entire solo cup of beer on me in passing. It’s okay though. He apologized.
2.) Everything is better in moderation-so you may think that I am referring to alcohol here and I am about to tell you that my middle school D.A.R.E. teacher was right and that alcohol in no way fulfills the soul. But alas, alcohol was not the issue on this humid August night. No siree. But if there is a way to measure “blood sushi content” I’m sure mine was way above the suggested limit. On the first weekend of school while other freshman are plummeting head first into the CCrrrAAAzzYYY college life (and later into their toilets), I was having a peaceful dinner at a local sushi joint. BUT ALAS! I still managed to experience the same amount of nausea they all did. You see my friends, I got good old fashion food poisoning the first weekend of college.Yep. A classic case of “bad salmon” that all sushi places warn you of with the minuscule font and asterisk at the bottom of their menu. Cool. Yum. Good times.
3.) College Beds are Small (aka Boys Are Icky 2.0)(aka lock your doors)– BLESS. So this didn’t directly happen to me. But it was too juicy not to share and is something my suitemate is okay with me posting on the world wide web. ALSO ON THE FIRST WEEKEND OF SCHOOL, my suitemate had an unexpected visitor sneak on into her room for some unplanned “snuggle time.” (PAUSE: you may be asking yourself “How did all of this happen in one weekend? Just as a frame of reference, this particular debacle was pre beer-spillage and post sushi-tashtrophe). RESUME: So it is about 4 am. All of the other freshman (who are secretly terrified to be away from home) are sleeping (or salivating depending on how much raw fish they consumed that night.) When all of a sudden the door opens and the dude from across the hall walks into her room. (after getting to know this kid better and some further investigation, we have confirmed that he thought he was in his own room due to the dangerous ramifications of consuming an excess of alcoholic beverages.) He walked in, proceeded to use the restroom and got in what he thought was his own bed. But unfortunately, the poor babe was mistaken. Let’s just say my suitemate wasn’t really “in the mood” and after a few choice words sent the kid on a whole new kind of “walk of shame” back to his (actual) room. We now lock our doors every night.
So there it is, loves: three things that probably only ever happen to the “me’s” of the world on their first weekend away from home. I hope you never have to relate to any of this. And if you do–I apologize for your suffering.
Xoxo
Emma
Emma Unedited 
❤ !!
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